Time to Think

This morning I woke up with a bitter taste in my mouth. Not literally, but figuratively. I had a strange dream in which people from my past stood accusing me of all the mistakes I had made in my life. I sobbed in the dream as I realized just how many mistakes I had made. My life, littered with all the harm, intentional and unintentional that I had ever done. I have caused suffering, and that broke my heart.

I woke up feeling strange and numb in a way. Dreams don’t usually do this, they don’t seem to attack you. At least, mine don’t. Mine are usually absurdities that I soon forget. But last night’s was one of those rare dreams that actually woke me more than once, and one that I remember. Very unsettling to say the least.

So today, while working at the factory, I thought a bit about the dream and its message. The fact is that we’re all flawed human beings, we leave behind us suffering, it’s true. Failed relationships, siblings you haven’t spoken to in years, your kids. When we fail others, we hurt too. Because we’re all connected to each other, whether or not we like that. But the important thing to remember is that woven into all that pain that we go through life with, is happiness, friendship, love, memories. I say that I regret my first marriage, I knew I shouldn’t have married her, but then two lives who exist now wouldn’t have existed. I say that I wish I had been raised in a “normal” house, and had gone to school, and had been allowed to be a normal kid, but then I think that I would be a very different person from who I am now. And all the shitty things I have gone through, all the shitty shitty shitty days, are but little black dots in a sea of shining stars. Because years later, I remember all the good things, the good days. The laughter, the timelessness of youth, the late night standing in the middle of Shinjuku, Tokyo for the first time, drunk on alcohol and high on life, surrounded in the tranquil night by dozens of sleeping drunk people who had missed the last train and I laughed and drank in the surreal scene, savoring it. For all these years later, I can still taste those days. I can still sense those nights. Life is more than our mistakes. And you know what? I’ll take the mistakes too.

Because no good story was ever written without conflict. Who wants boring? Give me adventure any day. I have one hell of a weird life. And that’s ok.

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